"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured" -Pres. Hinckley

Monday, May 31, 2010

Giving Up

I've come to learn that the most important things can be some of the smallest things that mean so much.

When I was about 6 or 7 we use to always wrestle with my dad. There were 6 of us, climbing on his back, tickling his feet, or yankin at his arms.

I remember a certain time in particular. It was all siblings against my dad. A wrestling match for sure. My dad somehow managed to get everyone else runnin and had me pinned. He would tickle me or hold my hands so i couldn't move and would just say:

"Do you give up?.. Do you give up?"

I remember all my siblings looking at me like "You better say the right thing!" My siblings were older too so the pressure as a 6 year old was immense.

Not really thinking, I gave in and said "YES! i give up" and after that he let go of me and the wrestling match was finished. I remember all my siblings being like "Dang! why did you give up?!" knowing we lost the battle.

Once someone said they gave up that meant that dad was done wrestling with us. We all tried to never say we gave up because we absolutely loved to wrestle with dad.

I don't know why this memory has stuck out so much to me in later years. I think it really taught me to NEVER give up because you lose either way if you do.

I remember a few times in my life when I really wanted to give up. Whether it be me falling on my head and almost becoming paralized, failing a class, broken relationships, almost losing a sister, or watching my sister lose her sweet baby.

My dad taught me a great lesson probably without even realizing.

Giving up is not an option.

Sometimes life says:

"Do you give up?... Do you give up?"

All you can do is plant both feet in the ground and look up. That way the battle is half won.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Secret Crush

welp... let's be honest..

i have a crush.... a secret crush.

At work like i've mentioned before, we do dental work on a really sweet family... really big family but really sweet.

Ok and when I say big family... i mean.. pretty big.

Huge family.

and they're all related.

Well.. they are all very well groomed, very polite, gentle people. They're my favorite people to work on because they keep their mouths pretty clean. So having a crush on one of them would sound pretty legit right?


He may or may not have a few wives... but i tell ya... he's quite the handsome one.

It's become this running joke at work because I happened to tell my favorite lady at work the big secret. She has all of his information so she wrote down his number on a post-it and gave it to me. We have a "no cavity" club and for February, patients had to write their names on hearts to put on a bulletin. Well, just my luck because Heber happened to come get a cleaning in February so his name resides on a heart... now taped to my locker.

My Valentine.

haha. the best part of this all, is he's poligimist... so it doesn't matter if he's married or not because I could always just climb aboard!


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Writing with a Pencil

welp, time to get back on my feet! The passed few days i've held in hot tears and can feel the sting on my heart. i remember when i was little i never knew that a broken heart was a physical feeling. I really thought it was just a saying...I've proved myself wrong time and time again. It hurts losing your best friend but I'm trying to look at the blessings from all this. I've had to look passed everything that has happened and have come to realize that life is like a clean white board and we hold the dry erase marker! we can do ANYTHING we want! I know that later in life when i have a family of my own it's a little harder so i can't help but be excited at this point in my life thinking about all the possibilities that are out there! I feel like there have been plans I've made such as teaching english in China, Dental assist in Africa, or even get married... they've all fallen through and it gets a bit frustrating but life really does happen while your making other plans! (my mama taught me that)
I've learned to write your plans out in pencil and give God the eraser. I feel like that is a perfect way to explain how I feel. My mind has been swarming of ideas of how to run away from life. I haven't found a solution for that yet, but have realized that running away probably won't help anything.
I've talked to a few friends who are my same age and in the same "decision-making dilemma" and it is frustrating figuring out life.. especially when you've planned something that isn't going to happen anymore. Let's be honest.. i'm not really wanting to go back to the whole dating scene very quickly, but i've felt like i've been able to look forward to where life could take me and can't hlep but get excited. I happened to stumble acrossed a quote today by my favorite President Gordon B. Hinckley... (it's probably not good to have favorites.. but he really is)
He said: "Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged, things will work out"
This is helping me get through the heartache and pain. It helps me know that it'll all be ok. Life is hopeful. Life is good.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


Isn't it funny how it seems like everything breaks at the same time? I've heard bad luck comes in 3's and i think that's what happened to me this past week. My phone? broken. My car? broken. My engagement to be married on July 28th? broken. I have been asked a lot about what has been happening so I figured I would just blog about it. Plus it is helpful for me to write as well.
Not too many people knew, but I was scheduled to be married to Brad Sturgill on July 28, 2010. We had the temple set for 10:20am and had a reception center paid for. Since we weren't "officially" engaged and July would come quickly, I started to secretly plan for the big day. I had a dress I liked, photographer picked out, and things were rollin.
But events happened that put the planning to a hault. The 2 weeks before, things seemed to be different. For once I felt so confident and good about it, but Brad seemed nervous about the whole idea. I thought I would give him some time to work things out since he did the same for me awhile back.
I talked to him and there were some things we both learned about each other, things said that hurt each other, and things done that broke each other. Trust vanished and we broke up the night before he proposed.
I drove home that night realizing that the person i loved questioned marrying me because of my lack of desire for education. I couldn't sleep all night and stayed up til about 5am. (i have to wake up for work at 6:30) I thought to myself "i love him enough, so I will sign up for classes if that's his concern." So i somehow managed to get a class schedule for the upcoming Monday. I went to work and was still so hurt that I ended up having to go home. I cried to my mom and she told me that I don't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I didn't have to go to school if I didn't want to. There are a few details I will leave out and things misunderstood. Brad will never say a mean word about me and I would like to do the same.
The next day I decided to go talk to Brad face to face to clear up some things. As i was driving on the freeway I noticed my car started acting up. I looked down at my gages and everything had fallen to zero. My radio was blinking on and off and the lights went dim. I pulled over and called Brad because he knows a lot about cars and could tell me real quick what to do. He told me he was on his way up (which I appreciated because I knew he wasn't the happiest with me either) He told me to get off of the nearest exit if I could. I put on my hazards and managed to slowly roll off the exit. I told him I thought I could smell something burning and after a second he said "wait, you smell something burning??" I sniffed again and then said, "Actually no... it's a skunk"..(haha i don't know why I think this is slightly funny because I'm such a dork when it comes to emergencies... i over panic) So Brad is still on the phone when I pulled off a dark exit. No street lights and my lights were getting worse and worse. I was going down a hill and all of a sudden everything stopped working. Lights.. and even worse...my breaks! I was rolling down a hill and had no breaks! That is a huge fear of mine and again I started to panic! Brad had to remind me of the E-break that was next to me. (mind you.. I had 1 and a half hours of sleep so my mind wasn't all there anyway) I finally came to a stop and realized that cars couldn't see me because it was so dark and my lights were off. Stupid me.. I get out with my ipod light to show people that I was there but cars flew by me inches away! Brad had to hear me go through this whole thing and finally was able to pull up to help me. He was able to coast my car to a safe position and checked things out with my battery but needed some tools from my house. He knew how upset my parents were with him so when he took me to my house he parked clear up the street. I went to grab the tools in my garage and I ended up talking to my mom and just broke down. Brad had told me he wanted to talk to my parents so my mom said they would go get my car later if Brad wanted to come talk to them right then to tell them his side of things and what had happened the night before because family was brought up as well.
I felt stiff. numb. exhausted. tears were shed for most of us, and Brad was gone. My parents weren't mean to him, they just wanted to see his side of things. They would protect any of their kids with their lives physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But the only reason for the conversation was to see his side of things out of respect to him and sort things out that had been said.
To make this long story a little shorter I talked to Brad the next day when I returned his clothes. We talked for over 12 hours. We apologized and forgave and now it's our job to forget. We decided that we won't be getting married and we won't be dating right now.
Isn't it interesting how a person you become so close to can be lost in a matter of one day? Isn't it interesting how you can invest your whole soul into one person and trust them and it can be lost with words? Isn't it interesting how a misunderstanding or miscommunication can make you lose 7 pounds in 3 days? Isn't it interesting how a person can go from pure bliss to pure misery in a matter of seconds? But isn't it interesting how even tho hard things happen you can still forgive and feel peace again?
I can't say I feel peace. In fact I still have a pit in my stomach, my heart aches, and I wake up hoping it was all a nightmare every single morning. I would have never expected that I would be the girl who's groom wanted to postpone a wedding because of his nerves and my lack of desire for education. I would never expect I would be the girl ends up canceling the big day because I didn't feel good enough.
I feel like I have learned a great lesson. I have left out a lot of details because there are some things that were really personal with the experience as well as other events that took place even months ago. I really feel like the Lord watches over us in our trials and is closer than we know. I'm not sure where life is about to take me whether it be a great opportunity to serve people outside of the U.S. or serve a mission. I feel like I have just been thrown into the world to start over. But I know that things happen for a reason and all I can really do is keep my chin up and make the best of any situation I'm in.
My friend sent me an e-mail that talked about breaking up without falling apart. There were some interesting things in there. Sometimes it's ok for 2 people to not be meant for each other. Sometimes it's ok to go our seperate ways even if you planned otherwise. One thing tho that I will never understand is how the person you date and become so close with, share everything with, live your life with.. once you break up things are never the same.
Awhile ago a friend gave me this song called "Broken" by Kenneth Cope. When I first listened to it I thought it was weird because I didn't get why God loves "broken" things. I now understand why he does because he loves me when I'm broken. I truly believe that sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall together. Here are the lyrics:

"Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day
Broken storms yeild light
Break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sght
Broken souls that need his mending
Broken hearts for hoffering
Could it be that God loves broken things?
Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me
To break the chains of sin
To break the news of him
To put on christ il his name feels broken in
I believe that God loves broken things
Yet our broken faith, our broken pomises
Sent love to the cross
And still that broken flesh, that broken heart of his
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving.
Broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I'm convinced that God loves broken me.
Praise His name my God loves broken things."

The past 8 months have been unreal and I don't remember a time that I've been that happy. I am so grateful that I was able to have dated Brad and have learned very valuable lessons. Even tho it sucks right now, I'm still so grateful for the life that I have and for what I've been given. At the beginning of my blog I wanted to write about the people who have changed my life for the better or the "angels" in my life. So I have nothing to say badly about Brad other than I'm so grateful for the time I got to spend with him.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

just a few of my favorite things

greased roller-blades
wet green grass
"i love you" in sign language
hot lava
snow angels
city lights on the mountain
the star a little lower and
left of the moon
black eyed peas
indoor surfing
sand dollars
pirate ship park
craw fish
big retro glasses
pretending to win jackpot
at nickelcade
double dog dares in fountains
spoons on nose
rainy runs
chicken DORITO taco
cannon beach pizza
leading like August Rush
tone deaf people
roof of my car
old gas stations
at bear lake
jon wall and demarcus
missionary "practices"
side burns
warm blankets
icy hearts
cheese fries-straight heart-attack!
painting and hardwood floors
scary stories but not too scary
big purple rings
mac n cheese
puff of air water balloons
dan in real life... i mean "the life of dan"?
fallen angels
kissing lazer tag
street lights
oreo shakes
laundry mats
ninja turtles
cold feet in warm tubs
sunday drives
birds chirping at 3:30am

just a few of my favorite things:)