Broken

Isn't it funny how it seems like everything breaks at the same time? I've heard bad luck comes in 3's and i think that's what happened to me this past week. My phone? broken. My car? broken. My engagement to be married on July 28th? broken. I have been asked a lot about what has been happening so I figured I would just blog about it. Plus it is helpful for me to write as well.

Not too many people knew, but I was scheduled to be married to Brad Sturgill on July 28, 2010. We had the temple set for 10:20am and had a reception center paid for. Since we weren't "officially" engaged and July would come quickly, I started to secretly plan for the big day. I had a dress I liked, photographer picked out, and things were rollin.

But events happened that put the planning to a hault. The 2 weeks before, things seemed to be different. For once I felt so confident and good about it, but Brad seemed nervous about the whole idea. I thought I would give him some time to work things out since he did the same for me awhile back.

I talked to him and there were some things we both learned about each other, things said that hurt each other, and things done that broke each other. Trust vanished and we broke up the night before he proposed.

I drove home that night realizing that the person i loved questioned marrying me because of my lack of desire for education. I couldn't sleep all night and stayed up til about 5am. (i have to wake up for work at 6:30) I thought to myself "i love him enough, so I will sign up for classes if that's his concern." So i somehow managed to get a class schedule for the upcoming Monday. I went to work and was still so hurt that I ended up having to go home. I cried to my mom and she told me that I don't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I didn't have to go to school if I didn't want to. There are a few details I will leave out and things misunderstood. Brad will never say a mean word about me and I would like to do the same.

The next day I decided to go talk to Brad face to face to clear up some things. As i was driving on the freeway I noticed my car started acting up. I looked down at my gages and everything had fallen to zero. My radio was blinking on and off and the lights went dim. I pulled over and called Brad because he knows a lot about cars and could tell me real quick what to do. He told me he was on his way up (which I appreciated because I knew he wasn't the happiest with me either) He told me to get off of the nearest exit if I could. I put on my hazards and managed to slowly roll off the exit. I told him I thought I could smell something burning and after a second he said "wait, you smell something burning??" I sniffed again and then said, "Actually no... it's a skunk"..(haha i don't know why I think this is slightly funny because I'm such a dork when it comes to emergencies... i over panic) So Brad is still on the phone when I pulled off a dark exit. No street lights and my lights were getting worse and worse. I was going down a hill and all of a sudden everything stopped working. Lights.. and even worse...my breaks! I was rolling down a hill and had no breaks! That is a huge fear of mine and again I started to panic! Brad had to remind me of the E-break that was next to me. (mind you.. I had 1 and a half hours of sleep so my mind wasn't all there anyway) I finally came to a stop and realized that cars couldn't see me because it was so dark and my lights were off. Stupid me.. I get out with my ipod light to show people that I was there but cars flew by me inches away! Brad had to hear me go through this whole thing and finally was able to pull up to help me. He was able to coast my car to a safe position and checked things out with my battery but needed some tools from my house. He knew how upset my parents were with him so when he took me to my house he parked clear up the street. I went to grab the tools in my garage and I ended up talking to my mom and just broke down. Brad had told me he wanted to talk to my parents so my mom said they would go get my car later if Brad wanted to come talk to them right then to tell them his side of things and what had happened the night before because family was brought up as well.

I felt stiff. numb. exhausted. tears were shed for most of us, and Brad was gone. My parents weren't mean to him, they just wanted to see his side of things. They would protect any of their kids with their lives physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But the only reason for the conversation was to see his side of things out of respect to him and sort things out that had been said.

To make this long story a little shorter I talked to Brad the next day when I returned his clothes. We talked for over 12 hours. We apologized and forgave and now it's our job to forget. We decided that we won't be getting married and we won't be dating right now.

Isn't it interesting how a person you become so close to can be lost in a matter of one day? Isn't it interesting how you can invest your whole soul into one person and trust them and it can be lost with words? Isn't it interesting how a misunderstanding or miscommunication can make you lose 7 pounds in 3 days? Isn't it interesting how a person can go from pure bliss to pure misery in a matter of seconds? But isn't it interesting how even tho hard things happen you can still forgive and feel peace again?

I can't say I feel peace. In fact I still have a pit in my stomach, my heart aches, and I wake up hoping it was all a nightmare every single morning. I would have never expected that I would be the girl who's groom wanted to postpone a wedding because of his nerves and my lack of desire for education. I would never expect I would be the girl ends up canceling the big day because I didn't feel good enough.

I feel like I have learned a great lesson. I have left out a lot of details because there are some things that were really personal with the experience as well as other events that took place even months ago. I really feel like the Lord watches over us in our trials and is closer than we know. I'm not sure where life is about to take me whether it be a great opportunity to serve people outside of the U.S. or serve a mission. I feel like I have just been thrown into the world to start over. But I know that things happen for a reason and all I can really do is keep my chin up and make the best of any situation I'm in.

My friend sent me an e-mail that talked about breaking up without falling apart. There were some interesting things in there. Sometimes it's ok for 2 people to not be meant for each other. Sometimes it's ok to go our seperate ways even if you planned otherwise. One thing tho that I will never understand is how the person you date and become so close with, share everything with, live your life with.. once you break up things are never the same.

Awhile ago a friend gave me this song called "Broken" by Kenneth Cope. When I first listened to it I thought it was weird because I didn't get why God loves "broken" things. I now understand why he does because he loves me when I'm broken. I truly believe that sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall together. Here are the lyrics:

"Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yeild light

Break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sght

Broken souls that need his mending

Broken hearts for hoffering

Could it be that God loves broken things?

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the chains of sin

To break the news of him

To put on christ il his name feels broken in

I believe that God loves broken things

Yet our broken faith, our broken pomises

Sent love to the cross

And still that broken flesh, that broken heart of his

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving.

Broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me.

Praise His name my God loves broken things."

The past 8 months have been unreal and I don't remember a time that I've been that happy. I am so grateful that I was able to have dated Brad and have learned very valuable lessons. Even tho it sucks right now, I'm still so grateful for the life that I have and for what I've been given. At the beginning of my blog I wanted to write about the people who have changed my life for the better or the "angels" in my life. So I have nothing to say badly about Brad other than I'm so grateful for the time I got to spend with him.