"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured" -Pres. Hinckley

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sad Eyes Never Lie

Lately I have had a lot on my mind.

This past weekend has been quite interesting. I feel like I am still getting closure from the whole wedding thing and last week I texted Brad... which was a big mistake because it turned into an argument.

He had something I gave to him that I wanted back so I went to his apartment one night to pick it up and apologize for being in the fight that happened. I asked him that I wanted to talk to him for 2 minutes and he said "when and where?" I told him "11.. and I don't care where"

welp, 11 o'clock rolls around...


So I texted him and called and he said it was a tough night to meet up. Well I was already at his apartment by then and i said I would wait til he got back (because to me some things are important to say and I'm pretty stubborn if there is something I feel like needs to be done... especially if I live 2 hours away) I was pretty frustrated with him but I waited.

It's 11:35pm.

He stopped responding and didn't say anything but I told him I would wait.


I waited.


and waited.

His neighbors wold talk to me so at least I had company.

it's 12:30...

now 1:30..

Finally... 2:30AM rolls around and Brad's front door swings open. Not to worry- He had been inside his apartment the entire time with his new girlfriend.

You can see the dilemma already.

I honestly, was completely shocked that he would let me sit outside on his porch for 3 hours. I don't think I could let a stranger sit outside my porch for that long!

I stood up. I looked at him. I couldn't understand or believe it.

I guess he had peeked out and I didn't know.

Most of you know that I helped write lyrics to a song after the break up and I gave it to him. Not to worry, he didn't listen to it. Which is completely fine by me.

The only reason why I was there as to get what was mine and apologize for for the texting fight and just get peace. It's hard for me to understand why somebody who knows everything about you has to become nonexistant and an enemy.

He didn't want anything to do with me and uttered some words about what had happened while his girlfriend was sitting inside... i honestly felt bad for her.

He was pretty cold towards me, but I noticed while we talked at one point his eyes did get teary... I believe in a song that says "sad eyes never lie" i think it's true. After a 3 hour wait we talked for maybe 10 minutes and he was gone wanting nothing to do with me and didn't really care what I had to say.

I walked away completely crushed. My intentions were not to get back together with him, not to tell him I missed him, not to even catch up with him. My intentions were to say "sorry" and grab my stuff.

It turned into one of those nights where I just needed someone to hug the pain away. I slept with my little sister and my cute friend Mand called me the next morning to make sure I was ok.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie. It doesn't seem real.

All I have to say is I think boys handle things a LOT differently then girls. I've talked to a lot of boys and they always say the "clean cut" is the best way for it to be done and I can see why they say that.

But as a girl I guess I don't understand why someone needs to feel like they are betrayed or they are an enemy. You dated, you loved, you lost, and why not be grateful for it? it didn't work out, well why not be glad it didn't and move on with life knowing that there is someone you truly appreciate in the world even tho it didn't work out? Why do break ups have to be so messy?

I can honestly say how grateful I am for every boy that I've dated. I've learned valuable lessons with each and everyone of them and I'm grateful I could have those experiences. I am now friends with all of them except the latest, but maybe with time that will come. It's hard being grateful about someone who is so cold and could care less about you, but I really am grateful for what I have learned from him.

Life is good:)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

July 28th 2010...my sunrise

Last week I went on a trip to Lake Powell with about 70 new friends. I was hesitant to ask for a week off of work but for some reason I felt like I should go on this trip so i made it happen.

It was kind of an interesting week as well as the best week so far! We all stayed on a houseboat and had about 6 wakeboardin boats, a zipline, 14 foot trampoline.. the trip was awesome to say the least.

It also happened to be the week I was suppose to get married..

July 28th, 2010

The day i've been dreading instead of planning for. The day i've been waiting to get passed instead of count down for.

I do have to say.. i realized a few different reasons why I felt like I was suppose to go on this trip. On trips like these, you learn a lot about people. I don't know if it's the Lake Powell air or if it's because we're all our natural selves with no make up or hair done that we feel like after a week of Lake Powell it might as well have been years of friendships made.

On the second day of being there me and a few girls were just having 'girl talk'. We discussed our lives when I noticed a pattern.. it was kinda ironic that 3 people on this trip had called off their engagements as well. I heard other stories of one girl who had just gotten a divorce 2 weeks before after being married for 2 months and 2 other cute girls who had married someone who didn't deserve them and treated them poorly. My heart ached for these girls as I heard them tell their stories. It made me more grateful for my life and realize the blessings I do have in my life.

People on the trip started to find out that I was supposed to be getting married that week so jokes went around like.. "well now you can sleep with 70 boys instead of just 1" and other jokes were told just to lighten things up. Some of the people on this trip have become my close friends.

We all slept on the top of the houseboat and would laugh at jokes or talk about funny stories and just enjoy the stars.

Instead of the stress of a wedding, I was enjoying one of the 7 wonders of the world! what a blessing!

The morning of the day i was gonna get married I somehow woke up before everyone else did (which.. if you know me, the crack of dawn happens around noon in my book!) but for some reason I woke up at 5:30 to go potty.

When I walked down the stairs i couln't help but notice the most beautiful sunrise i've ever seen. I didn't know a sunrise could be as beautiful as a sunset! I sat and just watched it while everyone was snoozin. I was half tempted to wake everyone up and scream "your missing it!" but for some reason I felt like that sunrise that morning was a tender mercy. I sat and wrote in my journal thoughts and i couldn't help but think

"today is going to be a good day"

Another funny thing, is i have this secret wish that on my wedding day it will rain. I want to be all dolled up, make up, hair done.. but then I want it to POUR rain so I can get soaked and dance in the summer rain with my new husband. I dunno.. i'm such a hopeless romantic dreaming of that... but kinda funny how it rained on the day i was supposed to get married... so we compromised..

I got to dance in the rain on the day i was supposed to get married, but in this case it was with a bunch of friends, on top of a moving houseboat, with suds and soap! we had a big shower in the rain and danced to music! DANCE PARTY!

Some people would say "are you sad today?" for some reason I wasn't. it was hard to think about, but I can't help but be so grateful for my life! That night we went out on a "night" boat ride to pick up some friends and it was a good day!

I couldn't be more grateful for the blessings in my life.. even if they seem hidden at times, i am still the luckiest girl alive!