Meant To Be

So.. it has been about a month and a half since things got called off. A few days after the drama settled down, my friend Alex Pavia asked me to put my feelings into words and write lyrics for a song he was putting together. I fed him a bunch of stuff and he put it into a way to fit perfectly with the song he wrote on the guitar. He's awesome and I'm excited for everyone to be able to hear it.
Here's the lyrics:

Meant To Be:

We were never meant to be, and everything we had is slowly deteriorating.
Oh, everything I know will all just have to go...
leave me, i just feel like being alone.

You call me back, but i pretend i'm asleep
My hands are cold but my heart is racing
We're fallng down out of this dream
I'm waking up to a burning reality.

I can't stay and I can't go, I try to hid, but I always wanta show
you're draggin out the pain of this goodbye, I gave you one too many tries
We were right but felt so wrong, I'm weak from holding back my tongue
I was blind but finally I see, that we weren't meant to be.

Tears pouring down like rain, and I can't stand this pain
I know that I'm breaking your heart again
Oh and I can't seem to find words to ease your mind
So i'll just leave, I'll leave with this goodbye

I lie awake, the blood in my veins is aching for you, i'm aching for you
Memories remain, but everythings changed,
like an open wound, i'm aching for you

You call me back, but i pretend it doesn't hurt
And I pretend you've got it worse.. I ain't coming back
I'm bleeding slow, I can't let you know
I can't let you see that this is killing me.


When he was putting it all together he would send me rough drafts through e-mail and I still fall asleep to it playing on repeat. It's very theraputic. I've never really written a song that went this far.. i use to put some lyrics together but it's awesome to have someone sing exactly how I feel and that's what Alex did with this song. (let me know how you readers like it!)

As far as updates with life, i'm gettin back on my feet.

Its the stage where:

-You smile because that's what makes ya get through the day to enjoy life.
-Everytime a memory pops in your head, you pray to forget it.
-You don't sob anymore, but once in awhile tears will slowly drip on your pillow.
-When something funny happens you laugh extra hard because you grasp that small moment of happiness.
-Dreams are still better than reality and you wake up with a pit in your stomach.
-When someone gives you a hug you hesitate to pull back because you want them to hug the worries away.
-You watch others gettin married or dating and can't help but gag.
-Your alone in a crowded room.

and last.. your heart just aches.

I've come to realize that life really is too short to be sad tho! Life really is beautiful. I still stand by my saying that:

"Time doesn't heal a thing.. but time with the savior can heal ANYthing"

Even when it's hard, I believe that with all my heart! I'm so grateful for the blessings I have in my life and couldn't be more thankful for my family. They're my best friends.

I've come to realize too that sometimes it's ok that things don't work out.

sometimes things turn out how they're

"meant to be".



*special thanks to Alex Pavia.. check out his other stuff on youtube.. he's awesome.

How old am i again?!

I've been told that I look younger than I am.

As a teenager, i wasn't a big fan of that because when you go on dates, boys think your a child, when you go into a gas station to buy gas, people don't think your old enough to drive.

The other day I was at work and this girl asked how old I was. I told her to guess because I get a kick out of what people think.

"15?"..... "close!" i said... off by about 6 years.

don't worry..i HAVE hit puberty.

But this week has been quite interesting..to say the least.

I was down in st george for a job interview. I was staying with a friend from work and arrived at her condo a little later at night. When I got there, a big white truck was parked across the street. I drove past it to make sure I knew what number I was at and this truck started flashing his lights at me. in my head I thought "ok.. it's probably some punk 16 year old trying to be flirty or something" I went back down the street and looked in my rear view mirror and he was pushing on his breaks so the lights would go on in a rhythmic pattern for me to notice. Sorry, but what the heck?

I finally parked where i needed to (right across the street from this flirty truck), and got out.

His door opens. He gets out.

My first thoughts were "ok.. pretend i'm on the phone" so i quickly grabbed my cell and called my friend.

Next thing I see is this big belly with a tall cowboy hat on. It was dark.. but from the looks of things.. this man was in his 60's.

I didn't know whether to laugh, or run when I heard these words come out of his mouth:

"wanta go country dancing?"

HA! i'm sorry but what?! Was this really happening? I break off my engagement and now the boys are all over me? 60 year old boys! SICK! ha! i didn't know what to say back so i muttered the first things that popped in my head.

I grabbed my luggage and fast-walked to the front door of the condo.

5 minutes go by..

a knock at the door.

this man is ruthless.

He came knocking on the door to make sure I didn't change my mind and have a sudden urge to go throw on my chaps and cowboy hat!

The funny thing is, is that day I had texted some friends down there to see if there was any country dancing like they do up where I live.. I was in the mood for country dancing.. but I had to pass with the 60 year old.

Well.. my dreams of dancing with a 60 year old belly, were soon crushed because the next day a drastic age difference happened once again.

I was at the Manti Pageant and had to use the restroom. All of a sudden some kid comes up to me and says,

"My friends don't think I can get your number... so i'm wondering if i can get it?" in my head i thought "he has NO idea how old i am because this kid looked like he just barely graduated primary. I just busted up laughing and played this little game as i ratted off my name and number.

His friends decide to show up and i look at them and realized it was a friends younger brother and they all went to my high school and were my little sister's age! haha, I started telling them what they're last names were and they got all big eyed thinking "how on earth does she know me?"
Finally the truth had to come out..

"do you know Angie?" and told them the same last name as what I told them earlier when I gave them my name.

They about DIED. These boys weren't 12 they were about 17, but I still just busted up. All of a sudden all of Angies friends who knew me showed up being like "what the heck??" realizing that their friends were hitting on their best friends older sister. haha it killed me.

I dunno which is worse, to be hit on by a 60 yr old cowboy or your little sisters friends who seriously look like they just got done playing with ninja turtles. haha I don't know, but all i can say is it has been pretty comical.

Some Things that Make Me Smile

Sorry but i just wanta post about some things that have made me smile the passed little while. Yes, life has been quite the roller coaster the past few weeks but there have been some funny instances that have happened that i've kinda thrived on to help be happy.

ha!.. and i am already smirking just thinking about it.

FUNNY#1

So... the other night I was having a rough night, didn't feel too great, in a very anti-social mood (which is not like me AT all) I dunno, i just had a case of the water works. So one of my friends brought 2 other friends with her and they cheered me up.

We laid on my tramp with blankets and played random questions. And then all of a sudden the topic got on Lady Gaga. I dunno if it was cuz it was 3am or what but someone all of a sudden said:

"Lady Gaga went gaga!"

I'm sorry, but i BUSTED a gut! so we started adding to it! let me give you some examples:

"98 degress is.. HOT"

"bone thugs and harmony?.. i thought my bones were already in harmony!"

"n'sync is now in sinc"

"Ellen Degenerous is very generous"

"I am as happy as 50 cent in a candy shop!"

"that little rascal just got flattened on a the highway of it's life!"

"Ignite R. Kelly into a remix while i run my hands thru my fro and bounce out of control"

"We shot the moon and it hit the Vertical Horizon, said Uncle Kracker"

"Tom Petty used his petty cash to buy him some toms shoes!"

"T-pain hurt his tibia, Mike Jones doesn't now who he is, and soldier boy is just a young officer"

"Aerosmith shot an arrow at Will Smith"

love this one: "Sherwood burnt down due to a careless arrow shot by Peter... Breinholt" haha i'm sorry but WHAT?! hahahaha

and my personal favorite: "Albert Einstein has scars"..."Albert FRANKENSTEIN!"

The whole night was like that, i have never laughed so hard in my entire life! haha it was like 3 in the morning and my dad had to tell us to be quiet. it's one of those things that you probably would have to be there for it to be funny but i tell ya.. it was hilarious! and i think it still is!

FUNNY #2

So I had just woken up in a great happy dandy mood for once in my life, the morning seemed to be a smile cuz i didn't have work that day.

Well I decided to up and do a victory morning dance.

haha I look over at my mom and she legit was SO discusted. haha the words came out of her mouth were "EW..." like in the most discusted sound like she had just been scarred for the rest of her life!

haha sheesh!

FUNNY #3

My dad. haha quite the character. I love him more than any man in the world! It was like 10 the other night and we were starving so he took my sisters and me to get hamburgers.

We pull in the drive thru

harmless...

There was a specal that night!

even better..

BAG OF BURGERS

my dad "What is this Bag of Burgers?"

the lady "it's a bag.. of burgers."

HA! i'm sorry but are you kidding me? no explanation, like.. plain burgers? cheeze burgers? chicken burgers? soggy burgers? hot tamale burgers? LIKE WE WOULD KNOW!

So THEN.. she has us pull up to the window... i guess the peppermint patty burgers weren't quite ready yet because she had us pull up so they could help the car behind us. haha no worries..

My dad flies into the end of the parking lot. My sister was like "dad.. i think she just meant a few feet"

Luckily that lady liked to jog cuz we got our BAG OF BURGERS in no time.

oh life:) i love it.

Giving Up

I've come to learn that the most important things can be some of the smallest things that mean so much.

When I was about 6 or 7 we use to always wrestle with my dad. There were 6 of us, climbing on his back, tickling his feet, or yankin at his arms.

I remember a certain time in particular. It was all siblings against my dad. A wrestling match for sure. My dad somehow managed to get everyone else runnin and had me pinned. He would tickle me or hold my hands so i couldn't move and would just say:

"Do you give up?.. Do you give up?"

I remember all my siblings looking at me like "You better say the right thing!" My siblings were older too so the pressure as a 6 year old was immense.

Not really thinking, I gave in and said "YES! i give up" and after that he let go of me and the wrestling match was finished. I remember all my siblings being like "Dang! why did you give up?!" knowing we lost the battle.

Once someone said they gave up that meant that dad was done wrestling with us. We all tried to never say we gave up because we absolutely loved to wrestle with dad.

I don't know why this memory has stuck out so much to me in later years. I think it really taught me to NEVER give up because you lose either way if you do.

I remember a few times in my life when I really wanted to give up. Whether it be me falling on my head and almost becoming paralized, failing a class, broken relationships, almost losing a sister, or watching my sister lose her sweet baby.

My dad taught me a great lesson probably without even realizing.

Giving up is not an option.

Sometimes life says:

"Do you give up?... Do you give up?"

All you can do is plant both feet in the ground and look up. That way the battle is half won.

Secret Crush

welp... let's be honest..

i have a crush.... a secret crush.

At work like i've mentioned before, we do dental work on a really sweet family... really big family but really sweet.

Ok and when I say big family... i mean.. pretty big.

Huge family.

and they're all related.

Well.. they are all very well groomed, very polite, gentle people. They're my favorite people to work on because they keep their mouths pretty clean. So having a crush on one of them would sound pretty legit right?

Heber.

He may or may not have a few wives... but i tell ya... he's quite the handsome one.

It's become this running joke at work because I happened to tell my favorite lady at work the big secret. She has all of his information so she wrote down his number on a post-it and gave it to me. We have a "no cavity" club and for February, patients had to write their names on hearts to put on a bulletin. Well, just my luck because Heber happened to come get a cleaning in February so his name resides on a heart... now taped to my locker.

My Valentine.

haha. the best part of this all, is he's poligimist... so it doesn't matter if he's married or not because I could always just climb aboard!

Heber.

Writing with a Pencil

welp, time to get back on my feet! The passed few days i've held in hot tears and can feel the sting on my heart. i remember when i was little i never knew that a broken heart was a physical feeling. I really thought it was just a saying...I've proved myself wrong time and time again. It hurts losing your best friend but I'm trying to look at the blessings from all this. I've had to look passed everything that has happened and have come to realize that life is like a clean white board and we hold the dry erase marker! we can do ANYTHING we want! I know that later in life when i have a family of my own it's a little harder so i can't help but be excited at this point in my life thinking about all the possibilities that are out there! I feel like there have been plans I've made such as teaching english in China, Dental assist in Africa, or even get married... they've all fallen through and it gets a bit frustrating but life really does happen while your making other plans! (my mama taught me that)
I've learned to write your plans out in pencil and give God the eraser. I feel like that is a perfect way to explain how I feel. My mind has been swarming of ideas of how to run away from life. I haven't found a solution for that yet, but have realized that running away probably won't help anything.
I've talked to a few friends who are my same age and in the same "decision-making dilemma" and it is frustrating figuring out life.. especially when you've planned something that isn't going to happen anymore. Let's be honest.. i'm not really wanting to go back to the whole dating scene very quickly, but i've felt like i've been able to look forward to where life could take me and can't hlep but get excited. I happened to stumble acrossed a quote today by my favorite President Gordon B. Hinckley... (it's probably not good to have favorites.. but he really is)
He said: "Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged, things will work out"
This is helping me get through the heartache and pain. It helps me know that it'll all be ok. Life is hopeful. Life is good.

Broken

Isn't it funny how it seems like everything breaks at the same time? I've heard bad luck comes in 3's and i think that's what happened to me this past week. My phone? broken. My car? broken. My engagement to be married on July 28th? broken. I have been asked a lot about what has been happening so I figured I would just blog about it. Plus it is helpful for me to write as well.

Not too many people knew, but I was scheduled to be married to Brad Sturgill on July 28, 2010. We had the temple set for 10:20am and had a reception center paid for. Since we weren't "officially" engaged and July would come quickly, I started to secretly plan for the big day. I had a dress I liked, photographer picked out, and things were rollin.

But events happened that put the planning to a hault. The 2 weeks before, things seemed to be different. For once I felt so confident and good about it, but Brad seemed nervous about the whole idea. I thought I would give him some time to work things out since he did the same for me awhile back.

I talked to him and there were some things we both learned about each other, things said that hurt each other, and things done that broke each other. Trust vanished and we broke up the night before he proposed.

I drove home that night realizing that the person i loved questioned marrying me because of my lack of desire for education. I couldn't sleep all night and stayed up til about 5am. (i have to wake up for work at 6:30) I thought to myself "i love him enough, so I will sign up for classes if that's his concern." So i somehow managed to get a class schedule for the upcoming Monday. I went to work and was still so hurt that I ended up having to go home. I cried to my mom and she told me that I don't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I didn't have to go to school if I didn't want to. There are a few details I will leave out and things misunderstood. Brad will never say a mean word about me and I would like to do the same.

The next day I decided to go talk to Brad face to face to clear up some things. As i was driving on the freeway I noticed my car started acting up. I looked down at my gages and everything had fallen to zero. My radio was blinking on and off and the lights went dim. I pulled over and called Brad because he knows a lot about cars and could tell me real quick what to do. He told me he was on his way up (which I appreciated because I knew he wasn't the happiest with me either) He told me to get off of the nearest exit if I could. I put on my hazards and managed to slowly roll off the exit. I told him I thought I could smell something burning and after a second he said "wait, you smell something burning??" I sniffed again and then said, "Actually no... it's a skunk"..(haha i don't know why I think this is slightly funny because I'm such a dork when it comes to emergencies... i over panic) So Brad is still on the phone when I pulled off a dark exit. No street lights and my lights were getting worse and worse. I was going down a hill and all of a sudden everything stopped working. Lights.. and even worse...my breaks! I was rolling down a hill and had no breaks! That is a huge fear of mine and again I started to panic! Brad had to remind me of the E-break that was next to me. (mind you.. I had 1 and a half hours of sleep so my mind wasn't all there anyway) I finally came to a stop and realized that cars couldn't see me because it was so dark and my lights were off. Stupid me.. I get out with my ipod light to show people that I was there but cars flew by me inches away! Brad had to hear me go through this whole thing and finally was able to pull up to help me. He was able to coast my car to a safe position and checked things out with my battery but needed some tools from my house. He knew how upset my parents were with him so when he took me to my house he parked clear up the street. I went to grab the tools in my garage and I ended up talking to my mom and just broke down. Brad had told me he wanted to talk to my parents so my mom said they would go get my car later if Brad wanted to come talk to them right then to tell them his side of things and what had happened the night before because family was brought up as well.

I felt stiff. numb. exhausted. tears were shed for most of us, and Brad was gone. My parents weren't mean to him, they just wanted to see his side of things. They would protect any of their kids with their lives physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But the only reason for the conversation was to see his side of things out of respect to him and sort things out that had been said.

To make this long story a little shorter I talked to Brad the next day when I returned his clothes. We talked for over 12 hours. We apologized and forgave and now it's our job to forget. We decided that we won't be getting married and we won't be dating right now.

Isn't it interesting how a person you become so close to can be lost in a matter of one day? Isn't it interesting how you can invest your whole soul into one person and trust them and it can be lost with words? Isn't it interesting how a misunderstanding or miscommunication can make you lose 7 pounds in 3 days? Isn't it interesting how a person can go from pure bliss to pure misery in a matter of seconds? But isn't it interesting how even tho hard things happen you can still forgive and feel peace again?

I can't say I feel peace. In fact I still have a pit in my stomach, my heart aches, and I wake up hoping it was all a nightmare every single morning. I would have never expected that I would be the girl who's groom wanted to postpone a wedding because of his nerves and my lack of desire for education. I would never expect I would be the girl ends up canceling the big day because I didn't feel good enough.

I feel like I have learned a great lesson. I have left out a lot of details because there are some things that were really personal with the experience as well as other events that took place even months ago. I really feel like the Lord watches over us in our trials and is closer than we know. I'm not sure where life is about to take me whether it be a great opportunity to serve people outside of the U.S. or serve a mission. I feel like I have just been thrown into the world to start over. But I know that things happen for a reason and all I can really do is keep my chin up and make the best of any situation I'm in.

My friend sent me an e-mail that talked about breaking up without falling apart. There were some interesting things in there. Sometimes it's ok for 2 people to not be meant for each other. Sometimes it's ok to go our seperate ways even if you planned otherwise. One thing tho that I will never understand is how the person you date and become so close with, share everything with, live your life with.. once you break up things are never the same.

Awhile ago a friend gave me this song called "Broken" by Kenneth Cope. When I first listened to it I thought it was weird because I didn't get why God loves "broken" things. I now understand why he does because he loves me when I'm broken. I truly believe that sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall together. Here are the lyrics:

"Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yeild light

Break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sght

Broken souls that need his mending

Broken hearts for hoffering

Could it be that God loves broken things?

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the chains of sin

To break the news of him

To put on christ il his name feels broken in

I believe that God loves broken things

Yet our broken faith, our broken pomises

Sent love to the cross

And still that broken flesh, that broken heart of his

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving.

Broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me.

Praise His name my God loves broken things."

The past 8 months have been unreal and I don't remember a time that I've been that happy. I am so grateful that I was able to have dated Brad and have learned very valuable lessons. Even tho it sucks right now, I'm still so grateful for the life that I have and for what I've been given. At the beginning of my blog I wanted to write about the people who have changed my life for the better or the "angels" in my life. So I have nothing to say badly about Brad other than I'm so grateful for the time I got to spend with him.