Lose the Fear, Keep the Faith

One of my cute friends gave me a book from the BYU 2008 women's conference. There is a quote that I just love by John Bytheway so I thought I would post it on here. It's about having faith. Something I definitely needed to hear!

"We don't have to fear, we can ask the Lord to take our fears from us. When they come, we can evict them and say, "Heavenly Father, I can't do this. You take them; I'll do what I can do. You take my doubts and fears and help me with them, because I've just got stuff to do" We can give that to Him and get back to work. Is it easier said than done? Yes. But we can do it... "They that be with us are more than they that be with them" (2 Kings 6:16)"

There isn't much to say after that. I just am one to struggle with faith and I have doubts and fears more often then not so it was a talk I definitely needed. I think sometimes I'm so scared that I'm gonna make the wrong decision or that I won't be able to do certain things, but with the Lord's hand... we got this.

I am so grateful for my mom. She is such a great example to me about having faith. I know for a fact that she has faced things where she has had to just throw her hands in the air and enjoy the ride because there was nothing left to do but let the Lord handle it. I'm so grateful for her example and couldn't be more grateful for my mama. She is one of the biggest blessings in my life and my greatest role model. I hope one day I can be like her, she truly is an amazing example of faith.

Not too many people know, but she suffers from migraines constantly every day (lately she's found something to help) but for YEARS she would suffer from a migraine every single day and no medicine or treatment would help. Not once did I ever hear her complain in all the years that she constantly had a pounding at her head. Not once did she put herself before anyone around her. You would ask her how she was feeling and if she said she was "good" it really meant "i'm hurting" and if she said she was "ok" the definition of that was, "it's really hurting bad today". But not once would she ever complain.

I don't know why I got so lucky with such a great family, but I am so grateful for them every single day. They each have shown me examples of faith growing up. They are my gratest blessing and my best friends.

Tell me I won't

I had the opportunity to take a class I really quite enjoyed this semester.

Public. Speaking.

I typically don't mind speaking in front of people, but this class was scary for me because I felt like when we did speeches in class that everyone was critiquing everything I said and did.

It's kinda like when someone tells you they are a phsycologist. It feels like they are reading into everything you

say and do.

Well, today we had our last speech. We had to talk about our "key to success".

Speech after speech the topic of "good attitude" came up most of the time. It was entertaining to watch everyone... but I got caught a little off guard when the last person in the class did her speech.

She talked about NEVER GIVING UP.

She was very passionate in her talk and got tears when talking about someone she loved and looked up to. I got the chills listening to her story and the obstacles she has faced where she's learned to never give up. She had blown out her knee and was told she couldn't finish hair school. 3 weeks later, she was back getting her liscense, when on Christmas Eve her OTHER knee blew out. 2 knees that she won't be able to keep by the time she's 30. The doctors told her she couldn't be able to do it and all she said was:

tell me i won't. i'll prove you wrong.

She got back and was able to graduate 3rd in her class. I was very impressed by the persistence of this girl and it made me reflect on my own life. I thought about times when I felt like giving up. I've had a pretty easy life, don't get me wrong. But I think we all face days where struggle to keep a smile on and realize that everything will all work out.

I wrote about never giving up a few posts before this one, but I think it's something that is becoming my theme. I hope one day I will be the old lady who will live hours after I'm taken off life support to show that I'll fight til the very end.

One instance keeps running through my head as I've gone to school this semester.

A few months ago I was told I "lacked the desire for education". I was told to look myself in a mirror and tell myself that I can do it just so that I would have that quality in the bride I was supposed to be for "him".

I remember standing in front of that mirror feeling so insignificant. I wasn't good enough. I was dumb and had a harder time with school. I saw in the mirror a girl who didn't recognize herself. I saw a girl living to be everything "he" wanted her to be. I saw a girl who was indecisive and a girl who saw every flaw in herself. I saw ugly.

I wish so badly that I could tell myself then what I know now. If i could go back in time I wish I woulda said

"Tell me I won't." ...

"Tell me I won't do school... I'll prove you wrong."

This class has helped me gain back some more confidence that I had lost. I am starting to figure out my plan as far as school goes... and secretly, I can't help but wait for the day when I can have a peice of paper in my hand that says I did it. I can't wait to prove "him" wrong about my "lack of desire for education".

But mostly I can't wait to have a degree that I did for myself, not anyone else.

There are so many people who have such hard trials and so often we are told that we are unable to do something. People don't believe in each other. Doctors look at the situation of the problem rather then believe in a solution to the problem.

I have a friend who was in an accident and was told he'd never be able to walk again. He worked his butt off and now is able to say "tell me I won't" as he walks with both legs which once were crippled.

I know a little 5 year old girl who was told she was FAT and needed to go on a diet... age 5?? really? She'll prove them wrong one day when things change.

I started a sales job where I was told I would have a rough time because I was "too nice". Within the first month I was making 29 bones an hour. Tell me I won't and I'll do it!

No matter what kind of trials we face we are going to be put down by people, and worse: ourselves. From now on I've learned to look at it differently and to never give up. From now on my response will be a little different.

Tell me I won't.

Silent Moments

This past week was a year mark to when my sister lost her sweet little baby. I honestly can't believe that it's been a year. So much has happened this past year and I'm so grateful we're on this end rather than the beginning.

To celebrate James' birthday my family went to Olive Garden and visited the gravesite. Earlier that day my roommate said, "Aubrey, are you ok? You seem quiet." If anyone knows me they will probably know i'm anything BUT quiet.

I swallowed hard as I sat on my bed holding back tears of a memory that will forever be engraven on my mind and an angel I will never forget.


A year ago I was on a date as I recieved a call from my little sister about the bad news. I remember curling up in a ball on the kitchen floor feeling so helpless for my sister who was about to face one of the biggest obstacles in her life. I remember laying on the porch that night with a blanket, scriptures, and journal because I didn't know what to do with myself or how to help.

As we stood around the hospital bed, it was one of those moments where no words need to be spoken to understand the pain that filled the air of a broken-hearted mother. No words could explain how thick the air around us felt. All I could do was watch through a blur-full of tears and hold my own heart together with both hands. When a baby is born, they should be the one crying to the oxygen in their lungs.. not the mother.

My sister really did give birth to a complete angel. I know I'm not the mother and I can't comprehend that type of love yet, but for some reason I feel like I love that baby the exact same as anyone else in my family.

I had to give a speech in my public speaking class about someone I admire the other day. My sister Jaymie is definitely on that list because of how she handled such a hard situation. I can't imagine the pain of having your first little one taken away from you when everything seemed to be perfect. He was perfect.
As I gave my speech in my class I looked out into the audience and I could see tears well up in stranger's eyes. Some people really have such big hearts, it's incredible.

I think the Lord gives us "silent moments" where we have to clench our hearts and see life through blurry eyes to realize how important life, love, families, and the gospel are.

I compare Jaymie's situation to how the Lord and even his earthly mother Mary felt when they had to watch Jesus be crusified. I can't hardly imagine. I'm so grateful that when we go through trials Christ is there to carry us through them. Even tho my whole family could hardly eat when going through this, I felt like we had something lifting us through it day by day. I learned how much the atonement can truly save our lives when we feel desperate or heart broken. I couldn't be more grateful for the gospel in my life and the "silent moments" that help us grow and realize what really matters in our lives.

I feel like I am way behind at updating my blog! A lot has changed and life really is so good! School has started and I am working part time and have a job interview tomorrow for another job! Life is busy but it's better that way! I just have to write about what happened the other night...

So.. I've been hangin with this new kid.

Nick Bliss.

He met my mom on a humanitarian trip and came to dinner and we've been best friends from the start! We hang out lots and some how manage to do the most RaNdOm things.

Well.. the other night my friend Amy came down and we were gonna go camping. So we packed our bags (me, nick, amy, and my roommate Makaylee) and we were off to to the woods.

Welp... we get there and it was freezing and just not what we were expecting so we stayed about 10 minutes and left to go get food.

We grabbed Wendy's and headed up the mountain to the 'Y'...

All of a sudden amy and I had a full bladder so we relieved our waters by a rock off this cliff. On the way back to the "toaster" car (or the spank tank as nick would say) THEN... shortly after, BIG FOOT decided to come over and scare the bajeebies out of Ames when she was getting in the car! She literally just about smacked her head on the ceiling cuz she jumped so high! (some high school kids think they are hilarious)

Well, feeling the night had failed because our original camping plans didn't quite pan out we were headed back planning on just setting up a tent

outside my apartment.

Well.. all of a sudden we are sitting in the kitchen and not only did we have BIG FOOT involved in our night but all of a sudden an

ALIEN was in our midst!

haha Ames put a manikin head on her head and put a sweatshirt over it so it looked like she was some plastic creature roaming around. I'm sorry but I have to admit it was pretty funny. So we all joined in. (see pics)

THEN.. if our night hadn't been any more adventurous we decided to play the "flour" game. Well.. it lasted maybe 2.5 seconds because all of a sudden there was flour EVERYWHERE.

Flour Fight.

This wasn't just some powder to the face, this was EVERYWHERE! up our noses, in our eyes, down the pants!
footprints in our carpet!

So Nick picked me up over his shoulder and carried me to the pool. Ames and my other roommate Aubree run out and push us in and jumped in afterwards.

Swimming.

in jeans.

with flour everywhere. Which, with water, doesn't make a good combination at first cuz when I first got wet i felt slightly slippery.

We swam for awhile. Such a crazy but it was just another

Typical night.

life is good to me.. as always.

a day at the gym...

let's be honest...

i know about 3 words in the spanish language.

ALMOST bi-lingual right?! haha

Well.. I work at Gold's gym... and I have a feeling I will have a few stories from work to blog about because I am quite entertained sometimes. I've met quite a variety of people since I've worked there.

such as:

-the old gray couple who show up at 6am faithfully every morning to keep their wrinkles intact.

-the senior missionaries ladies who come for a swim and then put their badges back on to go to work.

-the college 'hot heads' who have muscles the size of basketballs and think they own the place. (which I wouldn't doubt it because they are there for HOURS)

-the 'business men' comin in with their tie after a long day of work to whip out a game of raquetball.

-the mexican girls who were born white but the tanning beds changed their race.

-the fat people wanting to change their life (which really.. i love when they come in! they're the bravest of us all)

Well... this lady came in and when i scanned her card the computer read STOP. Well, I was busy with lost of people so I let her go for a little and then went to chase her down. She could only speak spanish (this is where my talent of other languages comes in) So I stop her and try to explain that we need to talk to her for just a second at the front desk. my words started to get more simple because english was hard for her to understand as well. "One minute... up there!" she still just looked at me SO confused. So FINALLY i whip out 2 words I knew in spanish.

"Uno.. momento!"

and pointed at the front desk.

haha k.. I kid you not. the LOOK on her face was this HUGE sigh of relief and she just started speaking 100 miles per hour thinking I spoke spanish! haha I don't blame her because I'm sure my accent sounded legit since i've had YEARS of practice... but I probably gave her the same look she gave me when I was speaking english! haha the 2 of us couldn't function. So i grabbed someone to speak to her, but it cracked me up! poor lady just wanted to speak her native language and my vocabulary only tricked her!


Other than working at Gold's gym, I just moved in with some really fun roommates, I'm really enjoying school, and loving life! Change has been the best thing for me lately!






-

Sad Eyes Never Lie

Lately I have had a lot on my mind.

This past weekend has been quite interesting. I feel like I am still getting closure from the whole wedding thing and last week I texted Brad... which was a big mistake because it turned into an argument.

He had something I gave to him that I wanted back so I went to his apartment one night to pick it up and apologize for being in the fight that happened. I asked him that I wanted to talk to him for 2 minutes and he said "when and where?" I told him "11.. and I don't care where"

welp, 11 o'clock rolls around...

nothin.

So I texted him and called and he said it was a tough night to meet up. Well I was already at his apartment by then and i said I would wait til he got back (because to me some things are important to say and I'm pretty stubborn if there is something I feel like needs to be done... especially if I live 2 hours away) I was pretty frustrated with him but I waited.

It's 11:35pm.

He stopped responding and didn't say anything but I told him I would wait.

so.

I waited.

waited..

and waited.

His neighbors wold talk to me so at least I had company.

it's 12:30...

now 1:30..

Finally... 2:30AM rolls around and Brad's front door swings open. Not to worry- He had been inside his apartment the entire time with his new girlfriend.

You can see the dilemma already.

I honestly, was completely shocked that he would let me sit outside on his porch for 3 hours. I don't think I could let a stranger sit outside my porch for that long!

I stood up. I looked at him. I couldn't understand or believe it.

I guess he had peeked out and I didn't know.

Most of you know that I helped write lyrics to a song after the break up and I gave it to him. Not to worry, he didn't listen to it. Which is completely fine by me.

The only reason why I was there as to get what was mine and apologize for for the texting fight and just get peace. It's hard for me to understand why somebody who knows everything about you has to become nonexistant and an enemy.

He didn't want anything to do with me and uttered some words about what had happened while his girlfriend was sitting inside... i honestly felt bad for her.

He was pretty cold towards me, but I noticed while we talked at one point his eyes did get teary... I believe in a song that says "sad eyes never lie" i think it's true. After a 3 hour wait we talked for maybe 10 minutes and he was gone wanting nothing to do with me and didn't really care what I had to say.

I walked away completely crushed. My intentions were not to get back together with him, not to tell him I missed him, not to even catch up with him. My intentions were to say "sorry" and grab my stuff.

It turned into one of those nights where I just needed someone to hug the pain away. I slept with my little sister and my cute friend Mand called me the next morning to make sure I was ok.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a movie. It doesn't seem real.

All I have to say is I think boys handle things a LOT differently then girls. I've talked to a lot of boys and they always say the "clean cut" is the best way for it to be done and I can see why they say that.

But as a girl I guess I don't understand why someone needs to feel like they are betrayed or they are an enemy. You dated, you loved, you lost, and why not be grateful for it? it didn't work out, well why not be glad it didn't and move on with life knowing that there is someone you truly appreciate in the world even tho it didn't work out? Why do break ups have to be so messy?

I can honestly say how grateful I am for every boy that I've dated. I've learned valuable lessons with each and everyone of them and I'm grateful I could have those experiences. I am now friends with all of them except the latest, but maybe with time that will come. It's hard being grateful about someone who is so cold and could care less about you, but I really am grateful for what I have learned from him.

Life is good:)

July 28th 2010...my sunrise

Last week I went on a trip to Lake Powell with about 70 new friends. I was hesitant to ask for a week off of work but for some reason I felt like I should go on this trip so i made it happen.

It was kind of an interesting week as well as the best week so far! We all stayed on a houseboat and had about 6 wakeboardin boats, a zipline, 14 foot trampoline.. the trip was awesome to say the least.

It also happened to be the week I was suppose to get married..

July 28th, 2010

The day i've been dreading instead of planning for. The day i've been waiting to get passed instead of count down for.

I do have to say.. i realized a few different reasons why I felt like I was suppose to go on this trip. On trips like these, you learn a lot about people. I don't know if it's the Lake Powell air or if it's because we're all our natural selves with no make up or hair done that we feel like after a week of Lake Powell it might as well have been years of friendships made.

On the second day of being there me and a few girls were just having 'girl talk'. We discussed our lives when I noticed a pattern.. it was kinda ironic that 3 people on this trip had called off their engagements as well. I heard other stories of one girl who had just gotten a divorce 2 weeks before after being married for 2 months and 2 other cute girls who had married someone who didn't deserve them and treated them poorly. My heart ached for these girls as I heard them tell their stories. It made me more grateful for my life and realize the blessings I do have in my life.

People on the trip started to find out that I was supposed to be getting married that week so jokes went around like.. "well now you can sleep with 70 boys instead of just 1" and other jokes were told just to lighten things up. Some of the people on this trip have become my close friends.

We all slept on the top of the houseboat and would laugh at jokes or talk about funny stories and just enjoy the stars.

Instead of the stress of a wedding, I was enjoying one of the 7 wonders of the world! what a blessing!

The morning of the day i was gonna get married I somehow woke up before everyone else did (which.. if you know me, the crack of dawn happens around noon in my book!) but for some reason I woke up at 5:30 to go potty.

When I walked down the stairs i couln't help but notice the most beautiful sunrise i've ever seen. I didn't know a sunrise could be as beautiful as a sunset! I sat and just watched it while everyone was snoozin. I was half tempted to wake everyone up and scream "your missing it!" but for some reason I felt like that sunrise that morning was a tender mercy. I sat and wrote in my journal thoughts and i couldn't help but think

"today is going to be a good day"

Another funny thing, is i have this secret wish that on my wedding day it will rain. I want to be all dolled up, make up, hair done.. but then I want it to POUR rain so I can get soaked and dance in the summer rain with my new husband. I dunno.. i'm such a hopeless romantic dreaming of that... but kinda funny how it rained on the day i was supposed to get married... so we compromised..

I got to dance in the rain on the day i was supposed to get married, but in this case it was with a bunch of friends, on top of a moving houseboat, with suds and soap! we had a big shower in the rain and danced to music! DANCE PARTY!

Some people would say "are you sad today?" for some reason I wasn't. it was hard to think about, but I can't help but be so grateful for my life! That night we went out on a "night" boat ride to pick up some friends and it was a good day!

I couldn't be more grateful for the blessings in my life.. even if they seem hidden at times, i am still the luckiest girl alive!