Broken

Isn't it funny how it seems like everything breaks at the same time? I've heard bad luck comes in 3's and i think that's what happened to me this past week. My phone? broken. My car? broken. My engagement to be married on July 28th? broken. I have been asked a lot about what has been happening so I figured I would just blog about it. Plus it is helpful for me to write as well.

Not too many people knew, but I was scheduled to be married to Brad Sturgill on July 28, 2010. We had the temple set for 10:20am and had a reception center paid for. Since we weren't "officially" engaged and July would come quickly, I started to secretly plan for the big day. I had a dress I liked, photographer picked out, and things were rollin.

But events happened that put the planning to a hault. The 2 weeks before, things seemed to be different. For once I felt so confident and good about it, but Brad seemed nervous about the whole idea. I thought I would give him some time to work things out since he did the same for me awhile back.

I talked to him and there were some things we both learned about each other, things said that hurt each other, and things done that broke each other. Trust vanished and we broke up the night before he proposed.

I drove home that night realizing that the person i loved questioned marrying me because of my lack of desire for education. I couldn't sleep all night and stayed up til about 5am. (i have to wake up for work at 6:30) I thought to myself "i love him enough, so I will sign up for classes if that's his concern." So i somehow managed to get a class schedule for the upcoming Monday. I went to work and was still so hurt that I ended up having to go home. I cried to my mom and she told me that I don't have to do anything I didn't want to do. I didn't have to go to school if I didn't want to. There are a few details I will leave out and things misunderstood. Brad will never say a mean word about me and I would like to do the same.

The next day I decided to go talk to Brad face to face to clear up some things. As i was driving on the freeway I noticed my car started acting up. I looked down at my gages and everything had fallen to zero. My radio was blinking on and off and the lights went dim. I pulled over and called Brad because he knows a lot about cars and could tell me real quick what to do. He told me he was on his way up (which I appreciated because I knew he wasn't the happiest with me either) He told me to get off of the nearest exit if I could. I put on my hazards and managed to slowly roll off the exit. I told him I thought I could smell something burning and after a second he said "wait, you smell something burning??" I sniffed again and then said, "Actually no... it's a skunk"..(haha i don't know why I think this is slightly funny because I'm such a dork when it comes to emergencies... i over panic) So Brad is still on the phone when I pulled off a dark exit. No street lights and my lights were getting worse and worse. I was going down a hill and all of a sudden everything stopped working. Lights.. and even worse...my breaks! I was rolling down a hill and had no breaks! That is a huge fear of mine and again I started to panic! Brad had to remind me of the E-break that was next to me. (mind you.. I had 1 and a half hours of sleep so my mind wasn't all there anyway) I finally came to a stop and realized that cars couldn't see me because it was so dark and my lights were off. Stupid me.. I get out with my ipod light to show people that I was there but cars flew by me inches away! Brad had to hear me go through this whole thing and finally was able to pull up to help me. He was able to coast my car to a safe position and checked things out with my battery but needed some tools from my house. He knew how upset my parents were with him so when he took me to my house he parked clear up the street. I went to grab the tools in my garage and I ended up talking to my mom and just broke down. Brad had told me he wanted to talk to my parents so my mom said they would go get my car later if Brad wanted to come talk to them right then to tell them his side of things and what had happened the night before because family was brought up as well.

I felt stiff. numb. exhausted. tears were shed for most of us, and Brad was gone. My parents weren't mean to him, they just wanted to see his side of things. They would protect any of their kids with their lives physically, emotionally, or spiritually. But the only reason for the conversation was to see his side of things out of respect to him and sort things out that had been said.

To make this long story a little shorter I talked to Brad the next day when I returned his clothes. We talked for over 12 hours. We apologized and forgave and now it's our job to forget. We decided that we won't be getting married and we won't be dating right now.

Isn't it interesting how a person you become so close to can be lost in a matter of one day? Isn't it interesting how you can invest your whole soul into one person and trust them and it can be lost with words? Isn't it interesting how a misunderstanding or miscommunication can make you lose 7 pounds in 3 days? Isn't it interesting how a person can go from pure bliss to pure misery in a matter of seconds? But isn't it interesting how even tho hard things happen you can still forgive and feel peace again?

I can't say I feel peace. In fact I still have a pit in my stomach, my heart aches, and I wake up hoping it was all a nightmare every single morning. I would have never expected that I would be the girl who's groom wanted to postpone a wedding because of his nerves and my lack of desire for education. I would never expect I would be the girl ends up canceling the big day because I didn't feel good enough.

I feel like I have learned a great lesson. I have left out a lot of details because there are some things that were really personal with the experience as well as other events that took place even months ago. I really feel like the Lord watches over us in our trials and is closer than we know. I'm not sure where life is about to take me whether it be a great opportunity to serve people outside of the U.S. or serve a mission. I feel like I have just been thrown into the world to start over. But I know that things happen for a reason and all I can really do is keep my chin up and make the best of any situation I'm in.

My friend sent me an e-mail that talked about breaking up without falling apart. There were some interesting things in there. Sometimes it's ok for 2 people to not be meant for each other. Sometimes it's ok to go our seperate ways even if you planned otherwise. One thing tho that I will never understand is how the person you date and become so close with, share everything with, live your life with.. once you break up things are never the same.

Awhile ago a friend gave me this song called "Broken" by Kenneth Cope. When I first listened to it I thought it was weird because I didn't get why God loves "broken" things. I now understand why he does because he loves me when I'm broken. I truly believe that sometimes things fall apart for other things to fall together. Here are the lyrics:

"Broken clouds give rain

Broken soil grows grain

Broken bread feeds man for one more day

Broken storms yeild light

Break of day heals night

Broken pride turns blindness into sght

Broken souls that need his mending

Broken hearts for hoffering

Could it be that God loves broken things?

Broken chains set free

Broken swords bring peace

Broken walls make friends of you and me

To break the chains of sin

To break the news of him

To put on christ il his name feels broken in

I believe that God loves broken things

Yet our broken faith, our broken pomises

Sent love to the cross

And still that broken flesh, that broken heart of his

Offers us such grace and mercy

Covers us with love undeserving.

Broken soul that cries for mending

This broken heart for offering

I'm convinced that God loves broken me.

Praise His name my God loves broken things."

The past 8 months have been unreal and I don't remember a time that I've been that happy. I am so grateful that I was able to have dated Brad and have learned very valuable lessons. Even tho it sucks right now, I'm still so grateful for the life that I have and for what I've been given. At the beginning of my blog I wanted to write about the people who have changed my life for the better or the "angels" in my life. So I have nothing to say badly about Brad other than I'm so grateful for the time I got to spend with him.

just a few of my favorite things

77%
greased roller-blades
wet green grass
"i love you" in sign language
hot lava
ferries
rain
snow angels
city lights on the mountain
the star a little lower and
left of the moon
black eyed peas
onesies
bridges
indoor surfing
sand dollars
pirate ship park
craw fish
waterfalls
big retro glasses
costumes
flour
pretending to win jackpot
at nickelcade
double dog dares in fountains
spoons on nose
rainy runs
chicken DORITO taco
cannon beach pizza
leading like August Rush
tone deaf people
roof of my car
dejavu's
sweats
old gas stations
at bear lake
jazz
jon wall and demarcus
missionary "practices"
side burns
warm blankets
notes
icy hearts
cheese fries-straight heart-attack!
painting and hardwood floors
scary stories but not too scary
big purple rings
mac n cheese
puff of air water balloons
dan in real life... i mean "the life of dan"?
fallen angels
popcorn
kissing lazer tag
street lights
oreo shakes
laundry mats
lola
ninja turtles
aquariums
go-carts
chipmunks
cold feet in warm tubs
sunday drives
birds chirping at 3:30am

just a few of my favorite things:)

Beach Bod Fitness

So... recently Brad has been gettin all into working out to be in beach bod shape for summer this past week! He's made a pretty good deal with me that if I do certain things I can earn new work out gear! (which lets be honest.. i couldn't complain)
i'm pretty good at trying to eat healthy or excersize... i could definitely do better. But i'm not the type of girl that can just pick up and run 10 miles with no sweat! running is the absolute worst!! In elementary school i could beat any boy with pull ups on the bar but when it came to the mile run i was probably in last place with swits and a red face and needing an inhaler!
So, Monday was when we started this whole fitness kick. (i swear it always has to be a monday... "next monday i'll start") but we did. It was pouring rain but we ran anyway. Mind you.. Brad hasn't worked out in ages but still can do just about anything you ask him too! I was expecting him to just run circles around me the whole time. We start running and the first thing he says is "My distance, your pace" so of course i'm thinking, "yes.. my pace... we can walk the whole way if i wanted to!" So we start going and I kid you not.. it was NOT my pace at ALL! we were running uphill most the way. haha I kept making up excuses like "i'm cramping up" or "i have to throw up" or "i gotta go potty" or "i can't breathe!" haha I was DYING! my favorite excuse i've come up with is "My legs are shorter than yours so i'm running double you're distance!" I thought we were only running a mile but afterwards we measured it with my car and it was over 2! Kill me.
But ever since i've tried to keep running and so far so good. Brad cracks me up sometimes but luckily he was very encouraging during the whole process...and making sure i ran every step with my knees up high. haha
it obviously was a big event to me if i have to blog about it! so wish me luck on this Beach Bod Fitness! I'm planning on running a marathon by the time i'm 90. i think that'll give me enough time to warm up and learn to love running!

Nasty Cat!

I'm sorry but i am SO grossed out! we have a stray tom cat that sneaks into our garage and does one of the following: sprays his territory, pees on everything, mates with our cat Mittens, or eats something nasty and won't breathe with his mouth closed... either way it REAKS in our garage. well we have this huge case of gatorades in the garage that are my favorite so the other day I decided to grab one and i literally was in the garage for 2 seconds. While I was driving to Brad's, I could smell the nastiest smell: cat. on my hands, arms... in my hair. I was drenched in a skunk spray of CAT!!! it was discusting. I got in Brad's car and he could hardly look at me I smelt so bad. haha all i remember is him opening his car door, spitting on the street, shutting the door and saying "90% of taste is smell." haha. So i changed clothes and sprayed myself down with some air freshener (didn't have time to get in the shower for the second time) and after I left, Brad had to wash the pillow I laid on when we watched a movie. Well.. I had to keep the windows down while driving... meanwhile wishing I could just enjoy my lemon/lime gatorade. I even wiped down the bottle with surface wipes. I used antibacterial gel for my hands, lotion... soap.. nothing works. Ew. I can't imagine what old ladies who have a million cats smell like!

So then today my sister needed a gatorade at 7 in the morning before school. I guess she was thirsty because she didn't even care that I warned her about the cat smell. But secretly I think she was too tired to realize. So the same thing happened to her except she had to sit through school smelling like cat throw up or whatever it is! haha I called her to warn her that the stray cat might have peed on the gatorades and she's all "shoot... i drank the whole thing" haha she said she washed her hands and went through the same routine as I did with the lotions and anti-bacterial gel.. nothing works. I swear this beast is more like a skunk than a cat!

So i get to work and finally got the smell off but i swear there is a cat smell at work too! I told everyone my story and people come in the office and say "it smells like a cat".... the workers look at me but I swear I finally got the stench out! So my favorite lady at work decides to put up a pic of 2 cats... (see pic) just to make a joke of this whole cat problem.. which it really is a joke!

My Favorite Grandpa

I just have to write about my cute Grandpa. I have to say that I really truly believe that I have the best grandpa anyone could ever ask for! He would do anything for anyone in a heart beat and treats my grandma like a princess. Ever since I can remember, anytime he sees me or any of the other grandkids he'll say stuff like "you look pretty today" or.. "looks like a pretty bouquet of flowers we got here" (if there were a few of us together). When we were really little he'd let us pinch his nose and a squeaking noise would come out of his nose that we could never figure out... to this day i still can't!
Grandpa is the head of the whole family. In his front living room he has a picture of all of his kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids. He treats us like we're his very own. I look up to him so much and have had very special experiences with him.
A few years ago he gave all of us grandkids a brand new gold coin. He related it to us and how it's shiny and how we need to keep it clean always and keep it in our pockets to remind ourselves to be clean and make right decisions. I've always thought this was so neat so i've kept mine in a pocket in my purse since the day he gave it to me. No i'm not perfect, but it is a helpful reminder to be better. He has a hobby of carving walking sticks! He's incredible! So I asked him if he could make me one and he did. Yesterday he came over to grab something from my mom and I gave him a thank-you card for the coin and the stick and told him how much i loved him. I had to leave the same time he did and when I stopped to see why he had pulled over and to blow him a kiss goodbye, I could see through the window that he had pulled over just to read the card I wrote him. How cute is that??
One time when I was up at Utah State, I got in a bad accident which you can actually watch if you click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODkLAY-GQmA
I was in a gymnastics class and had to leave for a few weeks because of stitches I had to get on my eyebrow (which is a different story) so when I came back I wasn't use to doing the trick I had just learned with a spotter. But i thought i was invincible I guess cuz I decided to still do it... and not only that but film it to show my mom. Instead of landing a perfect 10 i landed on my face with my feet landing on the back of my head. After it happened the whole class came over to see if i was ok. I didn't cry, I was confused and in too much pain to cry. It really felt like I hit a brick wall going 50 mph! My teacher watched the video and we decided it would be best to have the ambulance get me just in case I had any kind of head/neck/back trauma. I remember the guy calling my mom and the first tear that came to my eye was when he was talking about my chances of becoming paralyzed. When I got to the hospital the nurses and doctors all watched my video and let's be honest.. it is kinda funny so some couldn't help but laugh a little even tho i was strapped to a stretcher wondering if I broke my neck or not.
My roommates took good care of me, and luckily I was able to post the video on Youtube to show my family what had happened. This is the connection with my grandpa. I've showed many people my video, and everyone will cringe or laugh... but when my mom showed my cute grandpa the video, he had a tear go down his cheek when he saw how hurt I was. I ended up very blessed. I couldn't move my neck up and down but after a lot of X-rays, exams, and a stiff neck, I was able to walk away with just a neck brace and some pretty intense pain medication. I just will never forget my mom telling me how much my grandpa cared for me that day because that meant the most to me to know how much he loves me and was concerned about me even if I didn't have an opportunity to see him as much up at school.
My grandpa means the world to me. One time he was going through a hard time with some medical stuff and had to be in the hospital for a little bit. When he felt like he might not make it he told me to lean down by him because he needed to tell me a secret. I leaned down and put my ear close to his mouth so I could hear what he had to say and he whispered, "Just know out of all the grandkids, you're my favorite grandkid." I believed him. He's my favorite grandpa and I look up to him so much. While I've dated people I've always looked for people with his characteristics because he's amazing and I'm so grateful for him.

Leading in Church

I got a calling a couple months ago of being in the ward music committee. So i lead the music in sacrament meeting every other week and switch with another girl on the committee. Sometimes I think there are callings that are "extra" callings to make sure everyone does something, which i'm more than happy to do I just love when I hear callings that seem a little stretched, but at least things are getting done right? I think it happens probably more in singles wards to make sure everyone's involved.
Anyway... yesterday I had to lead, and I don't love doing it but I am more than happy to. Bradley came to church with me and sat on the 3rd row so I could get up and lead easier. Well.. sometimes I feel like drawing my name in cursive in the air when i get off beat.. but this time... i was feelin "We Thank Thee oh God for a Prophet"! So I looked down at Brad and he mouths, "both hands!" haha so of course... I had to do it to spice things up! But when I did it my face turned BRIGHT red... I could feel tomatoes starting to form on my cheeks! haha but I will never forget Brad's face in the congregation! His smile was so big it almost burst to a laugh. I finally got done and sat by him and he says "Easy there, August Rush!"
This story is probably one of those "Guess you had to have been there" type of story, but I just love how it doesn't matter what me and Brad are doing, something is always entertaining, whether it be playing hot lava on the couches or trying to look like chipmunks. (see picture) I love that we can always laugh but at the same time be serious when we need to be. Life is good and I'm loving my time with my best friend!

Saving the World One Cavity at a Time

I just have to laugh. My job as a dental assistant can be quite entertaining and discusting all at the same time. Working at a dentist office you get to work with all kinds of different people. Happy people, negative people, roudy kids, funny old men, boys preparing for missions, people still scarred from the war, gaggy people, people so scared they can hardly keep tears out of their eyes, teenagers just here for the laughing gas, grandpa's that need a snoring nap right when your working on them, polygimist (who are actually the cleanest, best patients ever!), ex-polygimists, people with peircings and tatoos, creepers who you really have to be careful around, people that yell at ya, people that compliment ya, people who are half asleep on valium, little kids that laugh so hard the first time they try the n20, as well as returned elder couples who bring an Ensign to read while they're in the chair. I love working with such a variety of people! But once in awhile something funny will happen that I just have to kick my head back and laugh. Yesterday in particular. A girl in her 30's was in getting some of her teeth pulled and had the roots that went opposite directions. My doctor I work for is very intelligent, very honest, easy going guy and I'm very lucky. But during this appointment he was carefully trying to get the roots... well.. something snapped, the root of the tooth went flying...hit the ceiling (i heard it hit) and somehow managed to land in my bra!!! i'm sorry but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! haha I died. He was still in the process of getting it out so I couldn't drop my suction and say... "BRB" (be right back) I had to sit with it poking me. I'm trying to compare the size so you can have a little bit of a visual.. hmm... I'd say almost the size of a pencil eraser. haha so the second my doctor went to go grab something he needed I jolted to the bathroom with the surface wipes. I was so discusted. But all I could do was laugh. seriously. What are the odds!! gotta love my job.